For most of my life up till my early 20s, I viewed romantic relationships in right-or-wrong terms. Largely shaped by the adult relationships that I grew up with. Guided by advice I was given on how best to tell whether someone’s “the one” for you. Greatly hyped by popular opinion or what high-grossing rom-coms would classify as a perfect relationship.

I want to talk about the ideals I didn’t know were unhealthy, arrogant, and stubborn. Not until I had to confront and shed my ego time and time again. Or until I had a partner to take my hand and walk with me into safe, judgement-free zones within the relationship. Or when I finally had the support to respectfully confront my ego and neutralize it.

Learning to unlearn mainstream definitions of #couplegoals, and conversely, a relationship in distress, took a while. 

Getting my heart broken in the process was a given. I was also hurting those who only meant well and wanted our relationship to work — even if I couldn’t see it because it wasn’t my definition of what truly loving someone meant. 

Fact: I didn’t hear about and purposefully understood the different love languages until 2018 when I first started seeing my current partner.

That’s likely why I still feel bad at times, when thinking back and reflecting on how I projected insecurities and misunderstood intentions onto those who, well, loved me. 

The silver lining of making these mistakes is that you get to:

• Grow up.
• Push yourself to adopt perspectives you’ve never considered before.
• Learn to collaborate with the person who you can design and build a relationship you can call uniquely yours.

So here are the top 5 things my partner doesn’t do that absolutely help me grow.

#1 He doesn’t coddle me

Society romanticizes great make-up episodes after a fight the way rom-coms glorify meet-cutes for box-office appeal.

Growing up, I was shaped into thinking that there is a list of things a lover does if they truly care for you — buying you dinner, anticipating your needs, surprising you with gifts. 

I had to shatter these beliefs, or rather, tweak them, to be of equal, respectful standing with my partner.

I didn’t pay much attention to the actual results from the initial love languages test we did. But it became clear in several ways in the first 1.5 years of our relationship how my expectations of how one showed their love for me was different from how he would show his.

Instead of bowing to what I needed every time I was upset because of something he didn’t do, he looked to understand why something may be important to me. It’d often be a conversation (or more) built within a declared “safe space” that forced me to dig deep and ask myself, why do I feel the way I feel? What am I upset about? Can it be something that he can work on, or is it a deep-seated insecurity that I needed to also work on? Was I filled with emotions driven by toxic mindsets and ego?

It took a while and many a-tears — no yelling though, which is the biggest breakthrough in the history of all of my relationships — and a lot of kindness and compassion.

Today, I am happy to share that I am more in-tuned with my psychological and emotional self because of this consistent practice. I am a better listener, less impulsive, and more patient because he doesn’t coddle me.

On the flip side, he’s also learned to anticipate my needs in very unique ways.

#2 He doesn’t shy away from confrontation

My default reaction to relationship problems, pre-current-partner, is to hang up the phone/walk away/give the cold shoulder/act out in a passive aggressive manner.

I grew up thinking of these behaviours as norms. Raising one’s voice seemed to me a natural reaction when you’re unhappy with a person. Having grown up in an environment where lashing out happens on the daily, where a parent’s anything-I-say-goes rule reigns supreme, and where fear begets discipline.

I’ve since learned from my partner’s refusal to shy away from problems. His insistence on understanding, talking, and listening until we get to the root of our problems was infuriating. Why couldn’t he just say he’s sorry and bow to my needs? Why couldn’t he take my word for it and address the problem?

Soon, I realized that to him, that was the equivalent of simply slapping a band-aid on a deep wound. Confronting why I felt how I felt was one of the main ways to keep this relationship going. No quick fixes or temporary salves of happiness. No sweeping things under the rug. 

Most importantly, I had to be openly transparent to my partner about what exactly bothered me — this also meant I could no longer lie to myself, and had to be honest with what I wanted and needed in a relationship, so he could meet me halfway.

When the more sensible thing is to talk things out but all of me wanted to shut him out, he remains patient, only emphasizing the importance of talking about things and how he will be here in ways that are helpful for me.

He gave me the appropriate space, as I pushed myself to conquer my fear of confrontation.

This growth has also helped me a lot in all aspects of my life. Through these practices for our relationship, I’ve been able to successfully fulfil a major fitness goal for the first time in my life, push boundaries for myself in my career, and keep a cool head when others can’t.

#3 He doesn’t jump into agreement with me, nor does he jump to his defense immediately

He is patient and always willing to listen. When we first started dating, I was easily swayed by emotional impact and sentimental value. Anecdotes that had great storytelling, told to evoke emotion, were my kryptonite.

My partner, on the other hand, doesn’t let moving stories sway his opinions and decisions. He sheds tears and feels emotions just as a well-adjusted human being should. However, his ability to rationalize in highly emotional situations means that he focuses on the data and the information at present.

He looks into the whys and the hows. I’ve since learned how to appeal to his senses, and it has also taught me how to rid myself of the fluff. I am highly empathetic and naturally emotional, but I’ve learned to find the balance in how I analyse and feel in various situations. This has helped guide better everyday and big-picture life decisions.

I remember during one of our earlier dates, learning that he wasn’t a registered voter and that he did not vote, a few months after the 2018 general election of our country. I was shocked, mostly because this was in stark contrast to most of my peers, who all came together to vote out the longest-serving kleptocratic government — I stayed up till the morning myself, waiting with bated breath as the newscasters announced the results as they came in. 

But I also didn’t care much about trying to change his mind — we were only casually dating and I didn’t yet see a future with him.

What works for the two of us, I think, is our willingness to listen to each other and consider perspectives before making judgements. 

I always joke with people about how I like to be aware of and know of people who don’t hold beliefs similar to mine, just so I can understand the arguments that people behind enemy lines were spewing.

There’s no real agenda here to convert anyone, though, but I’ve found that learning to understand someone who is different from you, and actually wanting to see things from their view, will help shape your opinions better. If it solidifies your existing view, great. If it shakes it, why not? How do we know we’re absolutely right anyway?

Anyway, long story short: I am proud to share that my partner is a registered voter today. I didn’t have a structured plan, nor was I working consistently on how I can convince him to see how his vote has the power to transform Malaysia. 

I just addressed his reasons of apathy accordingly, without shaming him in the process. And I showed him why it was important to me that we casted our votes as citizens of our country — even if we never feel like this country cares about us.

He’s also never proclaimed himself a feminist — something extremely key for me. However, his thoughts, words, and most importantly, actions have shown me time and time again how he speaks up and shows up. He does this for marginalized communities and minorities at crucial moments, and when the world demands of him to be a part of the fight for equality.

We had a talk about this just last week — would I consider him an ally, he asks. 

I had to really consider it. I landed with him being a supporter of equality and women’s rights, because of his belief that it’s the basic human thing to do. 

But if he were any less of a supporter, e.g. not calling out friends who exhibit toxic masculinity or not standing by women/any groups of minority when they’re threatened, our relationship would definitely not survive.

#4 He doesn’t conform

We have some stark differences when it comes to tastes and interests, though there are some crossovers here and there.

While it’s nice to be with someone who loves the same kind of music you do or someone who gets excited over similar things as you do, I’ve come to appreciate his stance when he’s already tried something with me and knows that it’s not something that works for him.

I’ve become more of my own person because of this. I shared with him, some time at our two-year mark, that I would want us to always be working on this relationship and be our best selves in this partnership. But if we had to split up out of the betterment and well-being of the both of us, I’ll be assured in the fact that I am a stronger, more independent person today because of our relationship.

We still have plenty of shared experiences, of course. We continue to make beautiful memories over other things — he’d go clubbing with me in a town where only one club is not a KTV joint; he’d plan a not-so-surprising birthday surprise where he checks in on whether what he’s planning is what I want; he’d consider my wildest ideas and often make them a reality.

And he’s the only man who was game, on our very first date, to hit up every bar I suggested, moving from one to the next. That led to a 12-hour first date. Was great that he never said “no” to me — likely because he wanted to impress this gal — but we both agreed we would never do that again. 

So, he doesn’t conform to my every whim, save for that first date. 

Being with him has taught me the importance of being firm yet tolerant. As a result, I am also more independent, more assured in my capabilities, more honest with myself, and continue to take risks comparable to those I took in my early 20s to live a little. He is always supportive. This set-up works, because I know he’ll be there every step of the way to support me by my side, even if he’s not physically there.

#5 He doesn’t do lavish celebrations and material gifts

There are very specific activities that make my partner feel giddy with excitement. Most of which are driven by the thrill of being outdoors and the complementing adrenaline rush.

So whether it’s his plan to embark on a 12-day training course in Australia to skydive solo, or the burning desire to jump straight into the ocean after hours of being slathered with massage oils, or to get down and dirty in nature — I’ll be there with him in ways where I can also derive joy, even if I’m not doing the same exact activities.

He’s also a simple man, depending on how you want to look at it. Our running joke is whenever we’re at a restaurant and the server is addressing the dish components or drink properties to him. I’d be sitting right across the table, leaning in, struggling to catch every word. And he’d politely gesture to the server that they should be speaking to me instead. The dining out experience and the journey one can take through these experiences make me happy — and he knows it enough to follow suit when we’re individually budgeting for these more “fine” meals.

It used to upset me. That we couldn’t have these momentous experiences shared with each other. But as mentioned in previous paragraphs, what has worked is the keen eagerness to understand one another’s needs and desires, and to support each other in our respective journeys. Today, we can engage in food discourse over a plate at a restaurant. We may not like the same things, but I love that we can have discussions over anything and everything.

I used to wonder why his go-to for celebrating us or commemorating my milestones weren’t lavish celebrations or material gifts. But the more we communicate, the deeper we go in learning about what brings a smile to our faces, and the better we are at reaching a middle ground.

Even before we met, I was very upfront with the people I dated on whether I liked them and what I wanted. But I truly leveled up on the communication front with my current partner — sharing almost exactly and entirely what I expected and wanted.

How does being upfront about my wants and what makes me happy look like? It means getting my “approval” and input before he books me my birthday staycation. Some may say it takes the romance out of the “surprise”, but I like that I got everything I wanted.

Surprises still happen within what’s conveyed and expected, and even for the things I can anticipate, I’d still feel giddy with excitement when going through them in real time.

In the end, as we become more attuned to each other, we’re also able to get the love we want from each other, even if they come in different forms.

This particular growth experience taught me to value the experiences I already love so much more, and to find creative win-win situations for both my partner and I. It has taught me to focus less on the superficial and compare us less to the outward love others show for their partners on social media — and I am mentally healthier because of that.

Final words

These things that my partner doesn’t do has helped me experience so much personal, career, and finance growth, at a rate that I would never have imagined in 2018.

A relationship is a two-way street. It’s a lifestyle to be lived, not a finish line to be crossed.

While I put in a lot of the work of listening and understanding from his perspective, I am grateful that I’m able to be with someone who does the same, and in turn, not only allows me to be the best version of myself (including the version I don’t know yet!) by being himself and the equal partner with whom I’ve built a safe space.

It’s almost impossible to build a perfect relationship, and I always emphasize how we are a work in progress, whether it’s us as an individual or us as the two people in this relationship. 

I bring this up often enough that sometimes I think it’s because I fear that I’ll regress back to thinking a relationship has to hit certain criteria to be perfect.

What works for us now may not necessarily work for us one year down the road. We’re at our best leg yet of this journey, but I can’t wait to see us grow, in tandem, on our own respective paths.